I've been struggling with feeling like school is keeping me from things that are more important right now; like writing, reading my piles and piles of books, spending quality time with my daughter and animals, and getting settled in the new house and getting this farm in the ground. Since my daughter attends the preschool at the college, this means she too, will take a break, a change that I hope will be better for both of us. Right now we have no time for friends, for play dates, for farm visits, for hikes. I think it is time to simplify, both with our "stuff" and with our schedule. There will be, doubtless, sacrifices that need to be made for this to be fully possible... but one of the things that motherhood has done to me is made me both fearful and fearless, simultaneously. Anxious that I am making the wrong decision, while fearlessly being compelled to make changes in how we do things. I am constantly learning, growing, changing, pushing myself to the next level, because, quite simply, I am a mother, and whether I like it or not, this also means I am a role model, an example, a teacher, a safe haven, an anchor, a life boat. No pressure though, right?
Walking through the field today, barefoot, the spongy matt of last years dead grass topped with a blanket of this years' fresh tender growth is soft and dewy under my feet. The bees are cleaning house again, their hive a mellow buzz of activity. It smells like sunshine soaked honey, and the beeswax of my childhood. I love watching them forage across the field, gathering nectar from the chicory and anise, I get a thrill from seeing the golden packets on their legs, and pollen dust on the hairs of their backs illuminated in the sunshine. I cannot wait until I have established hedgerows of plants chosen specifically to feed insects. Wild fennel and mushrooms are plentiful here, and in the small patches of soil scraped out of the yard at the old house and transported here are borage and nasturtiums, staking a claim in this foreign place, making it their own in an act of bravery, and their own new beginning. I am hopeful about this new place, I feel so much happier and more liberated here, though I still long to buy my own place. I am hesitant to invest so much money into infrastructure and soil fertility and plants on property I do not own. Especially as nine out of ten farmers I have spoken to about this have had some bad experience with leased land, and farming; including the farm I currently work for.
I have so many dreams and visions, limited by finances, primarily. Trying so hard not to be frustrated at how long it is taking me to reach my goal, but instead, be grateful for the journey. I am meeting so many incredible people through my studies, field trips, even through buying used things for the farm on craigslist. The universe is providing me with all of the keys and connections for success, I just need to spend more time in the present, with my daughter, appreciating all of these little miracles. In a way, she is also my teacher, my role model, an example to be followed, my safe haven, my anchor, and my life boat. I have certainly turned my life around completely and found my life path/purpose/goal through my pregnancy with her. Aren't children amazing? I love her so!