Shedding light

At Some point in my evolution, I outgrew my defenses, but my defenses are so built in by now, that I don't know how to shed them. I'm carrying around this defensive posture, and this chronic back pain, this emotional pain, vestiges from my past. I had a friend work on my back and neck last night, and he gently said, "you are holding on to a lot of stuff in your back, lady. Be careful, someone might be trying to help you." Which was followed by a conversation about my posture, shoulders rolled forward, head tucked, like I am expecting to get hit at any moment. He said chronic back and neck pain is almost always due to emotional trauma, holding on to stuff, which I knew already. And proceeded to point out that mine was expecting to get hit. Either by a person, or by the universe. And that the universe may not actually be wanting to keep hitting me. It is this same defense mechanism that keeps me from asking for help and support, even when I desperately need it. It is easier to do everything myself than to have expectations dashed, or be left in the cold when I most need to be brought into the warmth. And then my head exploded. And the tears came. Truth.

So I wonder, by continuing to hold and carry these outmoded defense mechanism, these expectations, am I actually carrying the cycle? Creating exactly what I don't want, subconsciously? A sort of self fulfilling prophecy. Is this why I have always sought out relationships that reinforce my fears, my beliefs of being unworthy? Relationships that are neglectful and stuff me back in my dark hole, and often, downright abusive? And how do I let this go? How do I release a defense mechanism, an emotional expectation that at many points in my life has served to protect me, but now is holding me back in my growth. I don't have the answers at this time, but I know that by naming that which is unnamed, by bringing these shadows from the darkness to the light, it helps to release their hold, and to transmute them.

So here it is. Dear Dominique, it is time to release the defense mechanisms that no longer serve you, the expectations of being hit by person or universal forces. You are safe. You will never be in that position again. And it is ok to let go and move on. It's time to step out of the darkness and into the light. I love you. The universe loves you. Everything is going to be ok.

Love, Nika

New Moon. New Beginnings. Vlog.

Stepping out of the shadows.

What happens when the pieces don't fit here any more. When your skin feels too tight, your whole body aches for something different, and Everything. Everything that was or has been feels all wrong, somehow. I am standing on the precipice, gale force winds at my back, looking at the rushing waterfall before me, knowing I have no choice but to leap, let the current take me where it will. My body screams at me daily that the life I've been leading simply will not do. I still have a body wracking cough. I'm physically and emotionally exhausted. I'm dropping weight that i cannot afford to lose, and losing my strength and energy with it. My back aches, pretty much everywhere it can. I have laser sharp pain shooting down both legs, sciatica. No problem, I've worked through that before. And then pain in my solar plexus and sides, making it extremely difficult to pick anything up. Whoa dude. Ok. I get it.
So I'm setting boundaries. Maybe for the first time in years, maybe ever. No. I'm sorry. I can't do that. I just plain hurt too much. And yet. I still feel guilty. Still feel a responsibility to do all the things. I suppose in this way, my body is smarter than I am. It's taken that option straight off the table.
This is not a post to complain. This is a post about what happens when superwoman discovers that being super wears you down. That burning the candle at both ends leaves you nothing but ash, in the end. An admission: I am strong, but not unbreakable. I cannot do everything myself, it turns out. And I'm done. I am so fragile right now I feel like I could shatter into a million pieces if you touched me too hard. And maybe that's what I'm doing. Shattering. So I can become something new. Forged by the fire of transformation, stepping out of the shadows, glowing with the inner light that is my true self. Cracking open to let the light in.
I want comfort. I want my life to be easy. I want stability, a clean house, a sanctuary, love, clean relationships, tribe, laughter, warmth, hot baths, delicious food, music, my animals, happiness, abundance, unbridled joy, passion. I want to travel more. I want to utilize my creativity, to write more, to paint, to design. I have to be done with the hard core manual labor, or I will destroy my precious body.
I have lived my whole life with the unspoken, yet ingrained belief that life had to be hard, making money had to be hard, relationships had to be hard, for me to be worthy. That somehow i don't Deserve Love. I don't Deserve wealth. I don't Deserve happiness or ease. It's my story. But it's also my mothers story, and that of generations past. I'm going to set that story down here now. Bring it out of the shadows and set it free. I have been punishing my self, my whole life for some transgression, committed in this life, in a past life, both? And I'm done now. I forgive myself. The universe forgives me. It's no longer serving me, and it's certainly not serving the universe. So this is where I step aside. I get out of my own way. I stop stumbling over the same outdated stories, my own, those of my ancestors, and those others carry about me.
I am worthy of the things I want-and so much more. And I'm going to have them. *impish grin, spreads arms wide open to recieve, and leaps off precipice. Splash*

Filling up.

Sometimes it serves us to know our limits. I have a tendency to do so much, to give so much of myself away, not stopping to refill, refuel, or care for myself the way I need to, until something has to give. Three weeks ago I got sick, and am still carrying the vestiges of that illness. And still I pushed myself. On Saturday, in exhaustion and stress, I snapped at my mother. In front of her entire family. And again, yesterday evening. A clear indication that I need to step back, and change something. I have been stressing on the upcoming move, and not knowing yet where I am going.
  Yesterday I woke up with a lump in the left side of my neck, causing a radiating headache, and sciatic nerve pain in my right hip and leg. Still. I pushed myself. Unloading a one ton feed sack from the back of the truck with a bucket. Which, by the way, is an excellent core work out. I could feel my abs and arms burning as I did it. At nine o clock last night I ate my first real meal for the day. Because Hannah brought me food, otherwise it might not have happened.

This morning I can't move my neck. And the pain in my hip is making it hard to move. I dropped Marisol off for school in my pajamas, which today, are oversized Barney purple scrub pants, and a Lobo Rugby 2004 league champions shirt. Which brought me flash backs of my mom dropping us off for school in her pajamas, her hair all curly and going all directions, just as mine was this morning.

So this morning I do laundry. This afternoon I escape to my dad's house- my Sanctuary. The place where I am Seen. And Loved, with no Judgement. My Heart/Soul sister Giselle will work on my hurts, I will be fed, and nourished, and nurtured, and relaxed. The calming temple-like atmosphere, always full of beautiful music will feed my soul, and the hottub will iron out the aches. I will fill my baskets, and will be better for it.

As women, nurturers, we so often forget to take the time to nurture and care for ourselves. But if we don't then we start to come apart at the seems. It isn't possible to help others if we are running on empty, or worse, on a deficit. So I stop. I take time to fill up. To be loved. So I can continue on.

What are you doing to nurture yourself today?