Change

One year ago, I was curled up on the couch in a ball of tears, and misery. Completely incapacitated by my unhappiness, by fear, by anxiety, and by the full blown panic attacks that I was experiencing at the thought of leaving my husband, to strike out on my own with our young daughter, but knowing, at my core, that leaving him was the only choice. In my gut, I knew that I would never be able to achieve my dreams and goals if I continued to try to carry him. That I needed to let him go, and set myself free to grow, to blossom, to farm.

I had the support of many friends, both physical, and virtual, Sarah, in particular, was my rock, my cheerleader, my voice of reason. She called and checked in with me every day to make sure I was handlng life, to offer support, to listen to my panicked tears, to offer feedback, and wisdom, acting as the gut-check I had drowned out.

Six months prior, fox began making her presence known in my life, and barn owl too. Both making prominent daily appearances, in ways that I couldn't ignore. I started paying attention to when they appeared, what was going on inside me, and what messages they might be trying to convey. Around this time, I met Pixie, through a friend's blog, and instantly fell in love, knew I had to have more of this woman, this presence, in my life. She, and her SouLodge group/class, has been instrumental in helping me release all of the unneccesary baggage I have been dragging around behind me for years, things that served me once, but no longer. In its stead, I reclaim my power, my intuition, my happiness, freedom.

Today, I live and work on a farm in Windsor, Takenoko Farms. I have the Nigerian Dwarf goats I have wanted as long as I can remember, along with ducks, chickens, turkeys, and there are pigs and geese on the property too! I still work at Tierra Vegetables, and love what I do, and I also "guest" work on other farms. I just finished a ten day stint at Felton Acres, a sustainable, pasture raised meat, egg, and goat dairy farm in Sebastopol. What an experience! I learn so much at every farm I work at, it is simply amazing. Working with animals makes me so incredibly happy, something I have known my entire life.

I am in better shape now, than I have ever been. I am doing what I love, and surround myself with people who love and support me, and what I do. I never imagined, a year ago, that I could possibly be as happy, as whole, as well rounded as I feel today. It has not been without it's struggles, indeed, the year has been challenging, to say the least- but rewarding beyond belief. The ultimate lesson from the universe, "leap, and the net will appear." Change can be so difficult, when you are up in it, when you resist. But, Oh! The beautiful things that can happen when we allow change to work it's magic in our lives. I am happy, and I am incredibly grateful for the life I have today, and to everyone in it, who make this life of mine so beautiful, thank you.

I am falling asleep in front of the computer again, so I am off!

Bandaids.

Gah!! Bandaids!! My child is obsessed with bandaids! On the one hand, this makes fixing any wound a cinch, because, with a bandaid, all is made better. On the other hand, god help me if I happen to be somewhere without a bandaid when one is necessary. She picks herself constantly, scratching til bloody, and then a full blown, crying howling melt down about needing a bandaid for the "bludy owie." The world comes to a screeching halt, and nothing can continue until the bandaid is applied.

Once a bandaid is procured it requires fixing, refixing, and constant replacing when it loses the stick, gets wet, gets food on it, comes undone. And, of course, she must apply them herself, leading to a high bandaid casualty rate. Today, she applied a bandaid with the end folded in on itself, I offered to cut the end off, and accepted the dull kitchen shears she offered me, and attempted to cut the end off, in the dark of the livingroom, without turning on the lights; even though my inner voice quietly said, go get the small sharp hair trimming scissors and turn on the lights. We all know how this type of story ends, I pinch cut her fleshy hand with the scissors, resulting in wailing, the need for an ice pack, and more bandaids on the hands to obsess over. Sigh... I guess I need to invest in bulk bandaids and start carrying them with me wherever I go. Then maybe life can carry on, despite the immediate need for a bandaid.

Thinking positive.

You know what? I am sick to my stomach of all the negativity out there. There are some perfectly wonderful people out there, whose demeanor is all but spoiled by their overwhelming negativity, judgement, and naysaying. My goal is to not be one of them.

I admit I am a dreamer, I have stars in my eyes, and hope and faith are huge motivators for me. They have to be, otherwise I would just be completely bogged down by all of the overwhelming sadness, injustice, tragedy, horror, and yes, evil of our current world. Maybe I am more sensitive than others, maybe I am just not as good as filtering this stuff out, but for me, it is a constant process of education, learning what is going on, so I can be part of the change, the solution, instead of the problem. Even if it is something as simple as changing my consumer habits. If we all shopped our conscience, we could put these evil corporations out of business (like Monsanto). There are days when I sit in front of the computer sobbing due to some new heartbreak, some demonstration of how abjectly horrible the human race can be, especially when it concerns animals. Ever watched a video about how fur is ripped off live animals in China? How Dolphins are herded into harbors and mass murdered? How pets are crammed into rooms and killed at "Shelters" by the millions every year? How meat animals are crammed into industrial buildings and stripped of their essential nature, allowed to languish in pain and sickness, psychological torture for all of their days providing something for humans as if they were machines? These things are PAINFUL for me, mentally, physically, emotionally devastating. I grieve for these things, actively, and then I muster up my anger, my indignity, and I do what I can to incite change. I sign petitions, post information, educate thise willing to hear, I make educated consumer decisions and do not support these places, I grow my own food, I shop local, I buy local sustainable meat, I work at a local sustainable farm; small actions, to be sure, but something, anything is better than inaction and apathy. I work tirelessly to add to my knowledge, to my ongoing education, both at school, and on my own, and I share a fraction of it wherever I can.

I have dreamed for years now, of owning my own small sustainable farm with diverse produce, fruits, vegetables, herbs, and heritage breed animals, pasture raised, rotated with the crops for the most effective and ecologically sound management possible, and to be an example for others, a teaching model to show it can be done succesfully. I know it is possible, there are plenty of role models and mentors out there for me, I also know it will not be easy, and that many farms do not make it. I don't really need to be reminded of that on a regular basis.

The big hold up so far has been access to affordable land, with water and housing, where I could implement such a vision... i.e. money. Working at a local sustainable farm is the right thing for me to be doing on so many levels, and is incredibly fulfilling, but they cannot afford to pay much, and the work is seasonal, even on a farm that is open year round, the hours are far fewer in winter. Our sustainable farms are struggling. All of our government infrastructure is set up to support big agribusiness factory farms. For most people it is easier and cheaper to shop at grocery stores, costco, walmart, target, and in this economy, I understand, I really do, but here's the thing; all of those places pull your money out of our local economy. The farm I work for supports at least 14 families, directly, both their employees, and the various small businesses that lease their commercial kitchen, many of whom the farm finances ( ie, they owe the farm money for their use of the kitchen, and pay when they are able). They put their/your money back into local businesses when they buy supplies. All of this creates more local economy, more local jobs. You want to do something about this economy? Shop at your local mom and pop stores, farms, farmers markets, the more successful these places are, the more jobs there will be on a local level. The big corporations have had some of the most successful years ever in terms of sheer profit these past few years, while we are all crushed by poverty, joblessness, underemployment, hopelessness, apathy. The jobs created by these big corporations have been overseas, where they funnel our money and the work that should be available here, in this country. And I see it getting far worse before it gets better. Investing in your local sustainable farmer and local businesses is investing in a more secure future, infrastructure, economy.

My dream of having my own sustainable local farm is many faceted; feeding my family healthy food I can trust, healing our wounded planet by farming in tune with the local ecology, mimicking the ecology, creating new vital habitat, creating a valuable educational model, supporting local economy, creating jobs, and most importantly, doing what I can to change the world for the better. I know that this is my calling, my right path, and I am not wavering in my dedication to achieving this goal, sooner rather than later. I know I am at a grave disadvantage because I am both lacking money, and lacking family land, or access to some sort of subsidy/support/affordable land, but here is the thing; I am not giving up! I can clearly see what this farm looks like, I am completely open to a sustainable village/cooperative idea to spread the costs and labor, and compromising to make it work. I don't need to be rich, just self sustaining.

So now I find myself living in an adorable one bedroom cottage, on acreage, with free water, and the landlord's blessing/desire for me to start a small sustainable farm here, and I can see clearly what potential the property has, I have dreams of diverse crops, a local farmer friend has offered free drip line.... but I have realized I cannot afford the rent here, (plus the added expense of farming infrastructure, a rototiller or small tractor, etc). I am actively looking for a second job, ( made a little more complicated by the childcare thing) So what do I do? Do I pack it in and move to an apartment in the city that I can afford, putting off farming for how many years until I can "afford it"? A lifestyle that psychologically wears me to a frazzled nub? Or do I stay here, and have faith that I will find a job that will support me and be able to afford the rent, while moving forward with my farm plans here? How many years am I supposed to put off my dreams because I cannot afford them? And if I stay here, will I be able to save money to buy my own place in the near future? I have dreams, that fill me with hope and happiness, and then the people in my life insist I am being unrealistic, that I will never be able to make a living in Sustainable Agriculture, never find what I am looking for in Sonoma County at a price I can afford, that I should move ( to a smaller house, more affordable place, out of the county, out of the state, etc). So what does a girl with no financial options do? I have no savings, so moving out of state to a place where I have no family, childcare, job, infrastructure, support seems just ludicrous. I have three dogs, three cats, ten chickens, and a three year old daughter, none of whom are going anywhere- well, the chickens could, but not the other animals, they are my family; most of them have been with me longer than any relationship I have ever had, and you don't just give that away when the going gets rough. I don't have a family that offers free child care whenever I need it, my mom watches my daughter for a few hours once a week, but I always feel guilty for that time stolen from her work, work that stole my childhood from me, and continues to steal her life from her ( She is a waldorf school teacher, and if that doesn't explain the above statement fully, feel free to ask me, and I will gladly elaborate). Plus, she lives in Petaluma, and I live in Windsor, not terribly convenient.

I hate feeling this hopeless, this lost. Just yesterday I was full of hopes and dreams for the future, and today I feel like the wind has been taken out of my sails, or really, like I have had the wind knocked out of me, because I shared my hopes and dreams and ideas, and was promptly knocked back down to reality when people close essentially said I was being unrealistic, that I needed to look into moving into a HUD apt ( which don't accept animals, by the way) or some other shitty apt that I can afford, that my animals are an impediment to finding affordable housing. Yes, I know, I have lived this for 11 years, trying to find affordable rentals that aren't shit holes with my animals, but you know what? My daughter is a serious impediment to me finding full time work where I could completely support myself, and I am not regretting the decision to have her, nor am I considering giving her away or sending her to a shelter or rescue because life is more expensive and more complicated with her. My animals, and my daughter make my life full of joy, companionship, transformative love and laughter. I would rather chew off a limb, or live in my stupid, too expensive, money drain of a vehicle with all the animals and child than to give up on any one of them. And I am not giving up on me, or on farming either, so stop trying to make me.

I need help sorting through my too much stuff, getting rid of unused items, simplifying, organizing, decluttering. Don't just come over and tell me I have too much stuff, and need to do something about it- I KNOW that, y'all have been telling me that for 5 years, ( it is a huge part of why I don't have people over) if I could deal with it on my own without feeling totally overwhelmed, I would. Obviously, I need help, solutions, take my kid for the day so I can get work done, or get in here and help me go through boxes and physically take stuff out of here. Don't tell me I cannot afford my life, I know that, if you want to help, offer some real solutions, like, hey, I could watch your child these days/hours so you could get another job. Don't offer judgement and censure of my life, my choices, without offering a helpful solution. I don't need more of that, especially from my family, I need help. What I need is support, positivity, positive solutions, thinking outside of the box, ideas for jobs, childcare, housing, farming, connections, networking, friendshop and family that will support and nourish us.

I would love to hear more support and positivity about my dreams, about your dreams, about our future. I think that this life would be a lot more bearable if we all supported each other in a positive and nourishing manner. My dreams and hopes keep me going, they make this life and all of the difficulties worth it, because they are a means to an end. I am going to continue to dream big, to reach for the stars, to have hope and faith in the universe, and to push forward against all odds, against all negativity, I will succeed. I will continue to look for creative solutions, to think outside of the box, to create a village of sustainable and nourishing relationships, and farming, always farming, like a beacon in the night the thought of my farm gives me the courage and strength to keep at it, no matter how difficult or insurmountable the obstacles appear.

I don't think it is too much to ask that I be able to both work toward healing the world, sustainable agriculture, local ecology and economy, add to the local food shed, raise a healthy, happy well adjusted child who appreciates my values, and holds strong values and convictions herself; and also make a decent living. I want to send her to a waldorf school, charter or otherwise, and create the best possible life for her. That is what this is all about. I want to pay the rent, save money to buy my own farm, pay the, bills, food, clothes, and maybe, the occasional vacation or spa day, or something restorative. Why does this sometimes feel so difficult, so absolutely insurmountable as a set of goals? I really don't think it is.

What are your dreams, hopes, aspirations? Do you have a vision of hope that keeps you going? I would love to hear about it, and support you in holding your dreams.

Bookworm

I am in love with books, and could be considered a total, diehard, bookworm by certain circles. There I said it. I have been since I was a child. Books to me are magical places of escape, comfort, friendship, love, solace, adventure, knowledge... and so much more (getting overwhelmed by descriptors there). I simply do not understand people that have no interest in reading. For me it is a necessity, like breathing, water, and food, I must read regularly. I can easily read an engrossing book in 8 to 10 hours, no problem, and then start a new book with glee. As a child, I escaped into books with regularity, many pictures of that time feature me, with the family pets by my side, reading. We used to go get 30 books from the library for the month, I would read all or most of them, and return for another 30.

I have been able, over the last five years, to cut back on spending, and stop buying most things, but not books. Granted, I mostly buy used books, but still, I have been cheating on my anti consumer diet, and buying books whenever possible. I have boxes of books I haven't gotten around to reading yet, but still, I get a recommendation to a book that intrigues me, and I have to have it, beautiful books! Going to a book store is pure happiness, giddiness, I can get lost for hours, selecting books, and still manage to be both overwhelmed, and spend way more than I intended. And a book sale? I am completely sunk!!

Six months ago I moved, and I managed to give away a bunch of books, some well loved and read so often as to have been somewhat memorized, (excrutiating) others one shot novelties, that were quick reads, amusing, but I likely wouldn't re-read. I felt like I was giving up on valued friends, but I needed to downsize. Still, I have what could be construed as too many books. Not by me, of course, for me, the obvious solution is that I need a library. A room devoted to bookshelves bursting with books in all their glorious colors, shapes, sizes and content, good lighting, comfy chairs, couches, pillows- pure heaven.

In the meantime, I managed to unearth a significant portion of my "important" books today. Resources and references for the life I am creating; gardening, farming, plants, medicinal herbs, a few cookbooks. I still haven't found my treasured "The Veggie Queen" cook book by Jill Nussinow, must find that tomorrow. (Also, note to self, must learn how to do that neato hyperlink in body of blog thingie.)

It is simply amazing how much better I feel after finding my books, relieved, less anxious, more grounded. Like I am finally moving in to this house. Also, I realize that I need several more bookshelves. At least. For now, I can continue researching my plant lists for the permaculture design project due the end of February, and catch up on some fun reading as well. So I add this to my new year resolution: I will make time to read more, and continue to downsize. I will clean, organize, and get rid of unused items, ruthlessly. I am tired of the clutter and chaos. This year, I will organize and downsize to the point that I will be able to find things when I am looking for them. ( A novel concept in my household.) I will do something every day toward this end, even if it is something small, like throwing out unneeded paperwork.

As I manifest the farmhouse of my dreams, I add library, seed saving room and root cellar to my list. This year I will begin a savings account just for the farm, and I will meet with the rep from my credit union to find out exactly what I need to do to buy my farm.

I am excited and hopeful for this new year, it feels like my moment, full of promise, and dreams coming to fruition. I am so looking forward to my future.

New Beginnings

As this year draws to a close, and the new year is glimmering just over the horizon, I find myself contemplating, both the past and the future. This past year has been full of challenges, hardships, intense self reflection, revelations, and the realization that I need to make some major changes in my life to be truly happy. I have been working on myself in a big way, ever since I realized I was pregnant, but especially this last year. No longer content with just surviving, it became of the utmost importance to thrive and evolve, to find my right path, and to follow my soul's urging.

I returned to school, when Marisol was sixteen months old, first online, then on campus, struggling through a first year separated from my daughter, she in toddler school at the child development program at the JC, and then at my (then) sister-in law's two days a week. My patience and fortitude tested at the end of each excruciatingly long day, picking up my daughter, coming home to make dinner, while she cried at my feet, wanting only to be picked up and cuddled after too many hours away from Momma. Then two rear end car accidents in eight months, injuring my back, adding to my challenges. This last spring I graduated with an AS in Sustainable Agriculture, and an AA in Social and Behavioral Science. I have continued to go to school at the JC, also attending a permaculture course at Regenerative Design Institute, (an amazing place to learn, I highly recommend any/all of their courses- I want to take all of them) and am two months away from getting my permaculture design certificate.

Permaculture sings to my soul, and my heart and soul sing in duet, responding in a way that leaves me no doubt, that this is my right path. I feel compelled to follow wherever this leads, and to devote myself to permaculture, to learning more, always learning, to practicing, teaching, working the methods. The connections I have made through permaculture have been amazing, life changing, transformational. This then, leads to my new year resolution.

In the upcoming year I will give myself to Permaculture, to manifesting whatever that looks like in my life. I will become self sustainable, self supporting, for myself, my daughter, and the animals that share our lives-both financially, and in the ways I choose to live my life, taking it to the next level. I will expand my farming skills, my domestic skills, and will find a place that I can afford to live, and farm. I will save money, and take the necessary steps to buy my own farm land. I will laugh more. I will be happy, which means that I resolve to take the steps necessary to make myself happy, to nurture and love myself. I will only participate in relationships that are fulfilling, healthy, nurturing, loving. I will love my daughter, and nurture her, and keep her safe. I will be open to the universe, and how she manifests.

One of the constants in my life has been transformation, change. My astrological sign, Scorpio, and I am year of the Snake, both signs of transformation. A wise woman said to me this year that she felt the reason I have faced so much negativity, adversity in my life, is that my personal challenge is to transform that energy into good. What a challenge! This year I will not be so afraid of the process of transformation, I will give myself to it, and know that this is my challenge. I am ready.

I am looking forward to a year of new growth, new challenges, new relationships as my network expands. I am looking forward to laughter, happiness, love. I am excited, giddy almost, as well as frightened, to see how this unfolds. I am looking forward, most of all, to see how permaculture manifests itself through me, and cannot wait to see where it takes me. I know I am on my right path, and I will not be afraid to follow my dreams. I cannot wait to see where this year takes me!

Compelled.

I have all of these words in my head, like excited dogs, circling at my feet, begging for attention when I first get home, or the cat, rushing in the door, and insisting on running directly under my legs, rubbing and half tripping me as we struggle to walk together, or a young child with an unceasing litany until full attention has been focused on her. These words, stories, images, will not go away, until I give them full attention as well, so here we are, I finally took the leap and started my own blog. Welcome.

I've been struggling with feeling like school is keeping me from things that are more important right now; like writing, reading my piles and piles of books, spending quality time with my daughter and animals, and getting settled in the new house and getting this farm in the ground. Since my daughter attends the preschool at the college, this means she too, will take a break, a change that I hope will be better for both of us. Right now we have no time for friends, for play dates, for farm visits, for hikes. I think it is time to simplify, both with our "stuff" and with our schedule. There will be, doubtless, sacrifices that need to be made for this to be fully possible... but one of the things that motherhood has done to me is made me both fearful and fearless, simultaneously. Anxious that I am making the wrong decision, while fearlessly being compelled to make changes in how we do things. I am constantly learning, growing, changing, pushing myself to the next level, because, quite simply, I am a mother, and whether I like it or not, this also means I am a role model, an example, a teacher, a safe haven, an anchor, a life boat. No pressure though, right?

Walking through the field today, barefoot, the spongy matt of last years dead grass topped with a blanket of this years' fresh tender growth is soft and dewy under my feet. The bees are cleaning house again, their hive a mellow buzz of activity. It smells like sunshine soaked honey, and the beeswax of my childhood. I love watching them forage across the field, gathering nectar from the chicory and anise, I get a thrill from seeing the golden packets on their legs, and pollen dust on the hairs of their backs illuminated in the sunshine. I cannot wait until I have established hedgerows of plants chosen specifically to feed insects. Wild fennel and mushrooms are plentiful here, and in the small patches of soil scraped out of the yard at the old house and transported here are borage and nasturtiums, staking a claim in this foreign place, making it their own in an act of bravery, and their own new beginning. I am hopeful about this new place, I feel so much happier and more liberated here, though I still long to buy my own place. I am hesitant to invest so much money into infrastructure and soil fertility and plants on property I do not own. Especially as nine out of ten farmers I have spoken to about this have had some bad experience with leased land, and farming; including the farm I currently work for.

I have so many dreams and visions, limited by finances, primarily. Trying so hard not to be frustrated at how long it is taking me to reach my goal, but instead, be grateful for the journey. I am meeting so many incredible people through my studies, field trips, even through buying used things for the farm on craigslist. The universe is providing me with all of the keys and connections for success, I just need to spend more time in the present, with my daughter, appreciating all of these little miracles. In a way, she is also my teacher, my role model, an example to be followed, my safe haven, my anchor, and my life boat. I have certainly turned my life around completely and found my life path/purpose/goal through my pregnancy with her. Aren't children amazing? I love her so!