Friday, December 31, 2010

New Beginnings

As this year draws to a close, and the new year is glimmering just over the horizon, I find myself contemplating, both the past and the future. This past year has been full of challenges, hardships, intense self reflection, revelations, and the realization that I need to make some major changes in my life to be truly happy. I have been working on myself in a big way, ever since I realized I was pregnant, but especially this last year. No longer content with just surviving, it became of the utmost importance to thrive and evolve, to find my right path, and to follow my soul's urging.
I returned to school, when Marisol was sixteen months old, first online, then on campus, struggling through a first year separated from my daughter, she in toddler school at the child development program at the JC, and then at my (then) sister-in law's two days a week. My patience and fortitude tested at the end of each excruciatingly long day, picking up my daughter, coming home to make dinner, while she cried at my feet, wanting only to be picked up and cuddled after too many hours away from Momma. Then two rear end car accidents in eight months, injuring my back, adding to my challenges. This last spring I graduated with an AS in Sustainable Agriculture, and an AA in Social and Behavioral Science. I have continued to go to school at the JC, also attending a permaculture course at Regenerative Design Institute, (an amazing place to learn, I highly recommend any/all of their courses- I want to take all of them) and am two months away from getting my permaculture design certificate.
Permaculture sings to my soul, and my heart and soul sing in duet, responding in a way that leaves me no doubt, that this is my right path. I feel compelled to follow wherever this leads, and to devote myself to permaculture, to learning more, always learning, to practicing, teaching, working the methods. The connections I have made through permaculture have been amazing, life changing, transformational. This then, leads to my new year resolution.
In the upcoming year I will give myself to Permaculture, to manifesting whatever that looks like in my life. I will become self sustainable, self supporting, for myself, my daughter, and the animals that share our lives-both financially, and in the ways I choose to live my life, taking it to the next level. I will expand my farming skills, my domestic skills, and will find a place that I can afford to live, and farm. I will save money, and take the necessary steps to buy my own farm land. I will laugh more. I will be happy, which means that I resolve to take the steps necessary to make myself happy, to nurture and love myself. I will only participate in relationships that are fulfilling, healthy, nurturing, loving. I will love my daughter, and nurture her, and keep her safe. I will be open to the universe, and how she manifests.
One of the constants in my life has been transformation, change. My astrological sign, Scorpio, and I am year of the Snake, both signs of transformation. A wise woman said to me this year that she felt the reason I have faced so much negativity, adversity in my life, is that my personal challenge is to transform that energy into good. What a challenge! This year I will not be so afraid of the process of transformation, I will give myself to it, and know that this is my challenge. I am ready.
I am looking forward to a year of new growth, new challenges, new relationships as my network expands. I am looking forward to laughter, happiness, love. I am excited, giddy almost, as well as frightened, to see how this unfolds. I am looking forward, most of all, to see how permaculture manifests itself through me, and cannot wait to see where it takes me. I know I am on my right path, and I will not be afraid to follow my dreams. I cannot wait to see where this year takes me!

Wednesday, November 17, 2010


I have all of these words in my head, like excited dogs, circling at my feet, begging for attention when I first get home, or the cat, rushing in the door, and insisting on running directly under my legs, rubbing and half tripping me as we struggle to walk together, or a young child with an unceasing litany until full attention has been focused on her. These words, stories, images, will not go away, until I give them full attention as well, so here we are, I finally took the leap and started my own blog. Welcome.
I've been struggling with feeling like school is keeping me from things that are more important right now; like writing, reading my piles and piles of books, spending quality time with my daughter and animals, and getting settled in the new house and getting this farm in the ground. Since my daughter attends the preschool at the college, this means she too, will take a break, a change that I hope will be better for both of us. Right now we have no time for friends, for play dates, for farm visits, for hikes. I think it is time to simplify, both with our "stuff" and with our schedule. There will be, doubtless, sacrifices that need to be made for this to be fully possible... but one of the things that motherhood has done to me is made me both fearful and fearless, simultaneously. Anxious that I am making the wrong decision, while fearlessly being compelled to make changes in how we do things. I am constantly learning, growing, changing, pushing myself to the next level, because, quite simply, I am a mother, and whether I like it or not, this also means I am a role model, an example, a teacher, a safe haven, an anchor, a life boat. No pressure though, right?

Walking through the field today, barefoot, the spongy matt of last years dead grass topped with a blanket of this years' fresh tender growth is soft and dewy under my feet. The bees are cleaning house again, their hive a mellow buzz of activity. It smells like sunshine soaked honey, and the beeswax of my childhood. I love watching them forage across the field, gathering nectar from the chicory and anise, I get a thrill from seeing the golden packets on their legs, and pollen dust on the hairs of their backs illuminated in the sunshine. I cannot wait until I have established hedgerows of plants chosen specifically to feed insects. Wild fennel and mushrooms are plentiful here, and in the small patches of soil scraped out of the yard at the old house and transported here are borage and nasturtiums, staking a claim in this foreign place, making it their own in an act of bravery, and their own new beginning. I am hopeful about this new place, I feel so much happier and more liberated here, though I still long to buy my own place. I am hesitant to invest so much money into infrastructure and soil fertility and plants on property I do not own. Especially as nine out of ten farmers I have spoken to about this have had some bad experience with leased land, and farming; including the farm I currently work for.
I have so many dreams and visions, limited by finances, primarily. Trying so hard not to be frustrated at how long it is taking me to reach my goal, but instead, be grateful for the journey. I am meeting so many incredible people through my studies, field trips, even through buying used things for the farm on craigslist. The universe is providing me with all of the keys and connections for success, I just need to spend more time in the present, with my daughter, appreciating all of these little miracles. In a way, she is also my teacher, my role model, an example to be followed, my safe haven, my anchor, and my life boat. I have certainly turned my life around completely and found my life path/purpose/goal through my pregnancy with her. Aren't children amazing? I love her so!