Monday, July 29, 2013

Soul Friend

  There was a beautiful, powerfully present woman at my dad's house today. I was a little squirmy when she first introduced herself to me, as she was just so... Present, Powerful, and also, clearly Reading me. I was still transitioning into being there, sitting on the floor eating a plateful of food with my fingers like the wild woman I am... it was interesting that meeting her made me squirm like that. Sometimes when someone new enters my energy space so powerfully it can be a little uncomfortable until I get a bead on their intentions. And there is still that little part of me- and this voice is getting smaller and smaller- that thinks, this beautiful woman is Reading you. What is she going to see? Will she like you? 
  After we ate, Christine pulls a chair into the center of the room, and grabs this big, beautiful harp. Breathtaking beauty. And she looks me in the eyes, and she says, "Her name is Anam Cara," *deep intake of breath for me, and my eyes fill with tears* "which means friend of the soul. What Charles does with his hands, I do with this." And she proceeds to say something about Rumi, and some other words, all of which marched straight into my heart and bypassed my brain altogether. She had me at Anam Cara.
  She starts to play the harp, and a spoken word, Rumi poem, followed by singing~ which I can only characterize as angelic, and again, all of it went straight into my heart, and pulled my soul out to dance with hers. The Universe through this amazing, bright, beautiful woman,  spoke directly to my soul, using her music as the key to get in... And I was still. If you know me, I have monkey mind to the Nth degree.  I have a hard time meditating, sleeping, quieting. This. This angel Stilled me. There was nothing. There was everything. There was Christine, me, Anam Cara, and the Universe. And QUIET IN MY HEAD. And just like that, I was In it. The place where I know my own divinity, where I am not just connected to Spirit, but where we are one and the same. Crystal clear, Clairity. (no, i spell it that way on purpose). And I am no longer afraid. I just Know.
  I thanked her afterward, and told her of my experience, and she says, this is my gift. And I got it. This woman, is following her calling. She is On Path. Authentic, allowing the Divine to move through her, a healer. And oh goddess, a healer through music.
  These experiences have been happening to me in more and more frequently, These love notes from the Universe. I had a similar epiphany experience on the 3rd of July, again delivered through a gorgeous, empowered angel woman, walking her path, and through music. I am hearing, I am listening, and I am so grateful.
  There were so many littlebig moments like this today, as there always are when I go to the gatherings of kindred at my dads house. I mentioned to my dad today that I feel like part of our soul contract is that  he is constantly opening the door for my Soul to reach the next floor. For my mind and body to catch up. To facilitate my being able to find, and stay on Path. Every time another few turns on the dial. He groks what I mean immediately and is finishing sentences and filling in blanks, and he says, "well of course darling, it's because I see you in your Highest Self."
 If only we could all do this for each other. To see each other, and hold each other in our Highest Selves. I'm going to start filling my daily life with more of this. I invite you to join me, my hand outstretched, and my heart full of love.

Anam Cara.

Sunday, July 28, 2013

Showing up

   I don’t want to be a secret any more. Writing this is big, in so many ways. I’ve looked at that sentence every day for almost a week, and every time it brings me to tears. And it resonates on Soooo many levels. 

  So here’s the thing. Showing up, being completely vulnerable and authentic is really like walking around naked in public. I have all of these completely juicy gifts inside of me, waiting to be shared- but I’m not like other people. I have always known I was different, and part of me feels like if I really open up, and share all that is waiting, that I will then be dealing with the modern day society version of a witch hunt. And that shit is scary, yo. That said, it’s also not really a choice any more. If I am to fulfill my burning heart’s desire, my path, in this lifetime, then I must be willing to show up, vulnerable, open, authentic, and full of love, even for those that may hurt me, every day. It’s like choosing to love. I love love love to love. I must do it. And it is so rewarding on every level. Yes, I have had devastating heart break, days where I seriously wondered if I wanted to continue living, but honestly those were more related to living in a relationship that was killing me, giving up on the dream of what could have been, but wasn’t, than the reality of being single, which I quite enjoy. And even with the heart break, the devastation, the tsunamis of emotion which flatten every thing in range, I find that loving and being loved is so incredibly rewarding, that I never hold myself back from  loving, or expressions of love. And My love is intense. Everything about me is, and I have just come to accept that. I can’t even begin to go into the number of lovers I have had who broke up with me because we had too many differences, and they couldn’t logic out how it would work in the long run, and my love, frankly, was too intense and scared them the fuck away. It takes work to have intense love, to open oneself up to those feelings, to really feel them, and experience them, and everything else that brings up. I’ll tell you what though, every one of those lovers still loves me, still dreams about me, and still wants me when they are drinking alone and find me filling  their thoughts. The what if's, the could have beens. They think about me when they are masturbating, and when they are fucking that random girl they picked up at the bar. (Yeah, it really is lovely being so sensitive and being able to pick all this shit up. Fun, huh? No, not really.)  It’s touching, and I will always have love for them, but part of me just wants to shake them and be like, what are you thinking?! Is it really so fucking scary bad that you have to run away, in lieu of looking in and doing the work? Yes. Apparently. And I am not necessarily any different. It’s just that I recognize that I am getting squirmy, and I look at it, and work through it. But intense is just what I do, and transmuting the darkness into light is one of my special skills. I had a very vulnerable discussion with my current lover the other night, and found myself actually trying to avoid the topic, even physically, needing to pee, needing water, etc, in an attempt to derail the conversation, which I had brought up! But I saw this, and so I took care of my physical needs, and I came back to the conversation, and proceeded to work through my shit. And then of course, had extremely lucid dreams of him holding me up for public scrutiny, naked, wet, vulnerable, for the rest of the night, and woke feeling exhausted. And you know what? It was totally worth it. 

  So, in the same vein of showing up, not playing small, and no longer trying to be invisible- I am adding being authentic and vulnerable, open, and honest about my life, my inner workings, and what makes me tick. Which, for a scorpio, is a pretty big deal. But I love you that much, and it's part of my work. So lets just fucking do it. 

Saturday, July 27, 2013

Tiny Victories

  I came home yesterday after 24 hours of absence to find a weird smell, and the plumbing, all of it, backing up. The shower and tub won’t drain, the laundry is backing up into the kitchen sinks, and the bathroom, and the toilet is leaking from the base, soaking the carpet. Scott had been working on it “for hours.” Inconvenient as all of this may be, it gave me the trump card I had been waiting for: “ So, does this mean you will finally let me rip out the bathroom carpet?!” 
  Carpeting in bathrooms is gross. Clearly a design flaw by someone who is not thinking about the nature of bathrooms, and all the leaks, spills, liquids, and what have you that occur in bathrooms. The bathroom is connected to my room by a door, and the carpet in there is varying shades of green, blue, mold, pink, and grey, around the edges, and surrounding the toilet, on top of it’s natural beige shag color.  Also, it reeks of urine. I have been trying to convince Scott to remove it since I moved in here. He’s been resistant because he wants to put in nice tile, and doesn’t have the funds yet. So we’ve agreed to a temporary solution. I am going to find some wood laminate click in flooring to install, for now, and he can tile when he is ready to tile. Meantime, I can eliminate the mold/allergy factory next to my room. I have an extremely sensitive sense of smell, and the bathroom carpet is a full on frontal assault. Yes, it’s all very mundane, but it’s also a message from the universe, a tiny victory of manifestation. I get that, and I am thankful. 
  As a addendum, I recognize that this entire post has been a clever avoidance tactic, since my real subject is showing up and being vulnerable. HAH!! Well. We shall call this yesterday’s post, since I missed it, due to utter exhaustion, and I will go ahead and work on showing up in the next one. 

Thursday, July 25, 2013

Taking up the Beacon. (Finally!)

So by now the fog of my winter hibernation has worn off, and I am feeling more... everything. The Synchronicities occurring in my life are... well- It's obviously just straight up magic. All day, every day, magic. And it's awesome. I am so. In Love. With my Life. Right Now.

It has come to my attention, through a variety of sources, and a series of synchronicities that I can no longer ignore- that it is time for me to allow my inner rockstar to shine bright. Every Day. No more playing small. Part of the way I have been nurturing this is through my style/identity/personal development journey over the last three years. 

I had been operating under the assumption that my daily (farm) style was categorized somewhere between "free, kinda fits" and Shlump wear. More so in the winter than warm weather. But recently I cleared out the clothes that I have been wearing daily for the last 6-7 years, and cycled in what used to be reserved for "nice"wear. As in, off farm, and remained unfarmified. So then I realized, that actually, I totally have a style, even in the farm clothes- it's GypsyfarmgirlpiratebaddassbohemianFree. With a crushable cowgirl hat on top, like a cherry. Except that when they developed these crushable straw hats, they were totally not counting on my lifestyle, and what hats go through in my world, so they last approximately one season, which is sad, because they become part of me, worn as an accent with every look, and protecting me from the sun. 
  This week my friend Jamie gave me  a complete new wardrobe of clothes that she cleaned out of her closet, with so many pairs of cargo pants (My Favorite!!) that I am just completely set- our styles are similar and she completely reads my taste, so that was just straight up awesomesauce. 

 So here is the next level shit, and I need to include my favorite shop,  and my favorite shop owner Shane Sterling here, because he has been so completely pivotal on this journey. Like so much. I gotta go outside a minnit cause I'm all verklempt. 

Ok, I'm back. 

Three years ago I wandered into Funk and Flash, and Who do I see behind the counter but Shane!! I knew Shane from my teen years when I was very involved in costuming, and vintage stores, thrifting, and photoshoots. Even then he had impeccable style, grace, and an artistic eye, just as beautiful behind the camera crafting his vision as he was modeling in front of the lens. I've always admired him and his gift for seeing beauty, for making the world a more Luminous place. He owns Funk and Flash now- a visionary store full of clothes aimed at helping to create a paradigm shift, to spread beauty in the world, and to bring the inner shimmer out into the limelight where it can sparkle brightly. I was at that time, newly separated, wearing ill fitting hand me downs, a little lost, and feeling like I had misplaced my sense of identity. I had given away all of the clothes I wore when I was bartending at night clubs as it didn't feel like that fit any more as a new mother, and had reinvented myself- sustainable farmer, locavore, permaculturist, sustainable activist. Style wise, I was completely missing my sense of self. I conveyed these things to him, and he shared that his wife had recently had a daughter as well, and had also experienced something similar. He spent countless hours with me, choosing items that were washable, wrinkle free, comfortable, like wearing yoga lounge wear, practical, could stand up to the rigors of motherhood, and completely gorgeous. Also outside of my comfort zone, but I tried on everything he brought me. I ensconced myself in the dressing room in a wealth of fabrics, textures colors, beauty- much of it eco-friendly. And as I tried on these clothes a transformation occurred. I was able to see myself again. The clothes fit me like they were designed for me, and they made me feel so amazingly beautiful. Like the inner me, painted on a canvas, outside, where everyone could see. As he got a feel for what worked on my body Shane brought me more pieces and encouraged me every step of the way, with advice, input, assembling complete outfits, and budget. And also, insisting that I am a size small, a practice he continues to this day which amuses me to no end. The pieces I purchased then are some of my most loved items in my wardrobe, the go to clothes for going out, feeling beautiful, and expressing my me-ness. On that day, I not only found myself again, I found my confidence, My beauty, my light, and I began to shine, where before had been only a dull aching glimmer buried beneath years of muck. It's not just clothes, it's an investment in myself, my confidence, my light, and simultaneously an investment in supporting a dear friend, and his local business, and family, which I am just beyond proud to do. 
   Shane continues to hold my hand in my style journey, every time I walk in to his shop we spend hours getting lost in playing dress up, assembling the perfect looks. Aways, he encourages me to be fearless, bold, adventurous, and to let my inner rockstar come out to play. To Shine my radiance, full luminosity at all times. If he had his way, I'd be rocking high fashion at the farm, and someday soon, I will be. Maybe not at the farm, but in my every day life, yes. It's a paradigm shift up in here people. I am not afraid of my own brilliance any more. I am beautiful. And happy. And free. And Deeply, wordlessly grateful. 

(Ps, I know my grammar, word usage, and use of capitalization and punctuation is not traditional. I do that on purpose for emphasis, and because it is Mine. I know all the rules, so therefor I get to break them all now, because That's How I Roll.)

Happy Days

  These days seem to pass by in a happy buzz of activity. Much like the bees taking advantage of the warm weather, and the abundance of food sources, this season at the farm is a flurry. I have shifted my focus from making and packaging dried goods, to creating products from the glut of fresh produce that threatens to overrun us this time of year. So far this week I have made 20 gallons of Sauerkraut with help from Wayne and Lee's family (who also helped Lee get caught up in the greenhouse) replaced a leaking faucet assembly, made fresh tomato juice, which I will blend with our spicy garlic pickle brine for a delectable bloody mary mix. Sweet Strawberry syrup, (Ambrosia!!) 25 gallons of spicy pickles, while also straining and rinsing the 20 gallons I made last week, and a new batch of Verde Hot sauce, which I may be able to bottle this week. I'm hatching plans to reach out to some new retail outlets for our dried goods, and also replacing the elements in the kitchen that aren't working for us, while making space for fresh vibrant energy to enter,  enthusiastic faces with dreams and visions that are more aligned with ours. I finally realized, that if I am going to continue to manage the kitchen, (which I am) and it is in such high demand (it is) that I will only accept those that I truly wish to work with. Mmmmhhhhm. How cool is that. Shout out to the ladies I have worked with for the past few years and the client archetypes. Applicable everywhere.
  I have been working to develop a relationship between Tierra Vegetables, and my favorite restaurant in Forestville, Backyard.  Last week, I finally made it happen, and I offered to deliver produce to them every week "on my way home" (it kinda sorta is!) Last week Mari fell asleep in the car on the way there, today she gets this brilliant idea that since we were already going to be there delivering produce, that we should just eat there while we were at it. Yeah girl, I was totally on board with that plan.

  I  developed instant rapport with the chef, Daniel Kedan, and his amazing staff, the moment I first walked in, many months ago. Their focus is on sustainable, farm to table fare, and they make their own... oh, pretty much everything-hotsauce, kimchee, pickles, preserves, and more- in season, delicious, next level restaurant fare. And the Staff, oh!! I go in there as much for the food as I do to just hang out and talk to the staff. Whether the front of house, or the cooks, the people who work here are knowledgeable, passionate, witty, and just plain brilliant. They are SO, my people. During a discussion tonight about their Heavenly Budino (salted caramel, creamy chocolate, with toasted, chocolate rice crisp balls) combined with their candy cap ice cream, (which I tried for the first time tonight, omg. tastes like the love child of maple syrup and fresh honey comb- but it's made from candy cap mushrooms) Daniel tells me that the sky opens up, I chime in the with angel chorus, and Lucas says that then Highlander steps out of a portal. Yep, all that, because this combo is so. damn. good. And so are they. Geek humor. Gets me every time. <3 If I wasn't maxed out on jobs right now I would have to work here.
  Then we proceeded to have a discussion about our perfect off matrix ecovillage retreat. Yep. Ours. They are completely on board, all of us dreaming about the same thing, and you know I need me some superstar brilliant farm to table chefs on that adventure. So that is happening.

Tribe. I Love it so much.

Wednesday, July 24, 2013


It's three am. The moon has finally kissed the garden. She is full and dripping with promise. I have bits of twig, moss, and spider webs in my hair from the last forty five minutes tracking Winston, the terrier dog through the woods. Obsessive little beast guards the garden with a zeal that can only be admired. Even when a small part of me would like to shake him from sleep deprivation. Tonight's point of focus was a smallish opossum who was after the compost. Winston will track and try to kill whatever the beast du jour is for hours. Relentless. And if he can't kill it he will bark until he summons someone who can. Which is me. Except since I don't have a gun toting farm boy or girl to run to anymore, I just track him, grab him, and lock him in my bedroom. So what does a girl do after an adrenaline fused jaunt through the woods after a determined beast? She writes. She writes because she must. It's like the need for water or air. She writes because she told Christina she'd jump on the challenge of one post every day for thirty days. I guess my thirty days begin now. She writes because all day, every day, the words jostle around in her head like restless companions, and there are bits and pieces scribbled on scraps, in the notes in her phone, the computer, whatever serves in the stolen moments to get the words out, to set them free. She writes because she is a writer. And this is what we do.