I don’t want to be a secret any more. Writing this is big, in so many ways. I’ve looked at that sentence every day for almost a week, and every time it brings me to tears. And it resonates on Soooo many levels.
So here’s the thing. Showing up, being completely vulnerable and authentic is really like walking around naked in public. I have all of these completely juicy gifts inside of me, waiting to be shared- but I’m not like other people. I have always known I was different, and part of me feels like if I really open up, and share all that is waiting, that I will then be dealing with the modern day society version of a witch hunt. And that shit is scary, yo. That said, it’s also not really a choice any more. If I am to fulfill my burning heart’s desire, my path, in this lifetime, then I must be willing to show up, vulnerable, open, authentic, and full of love, even for those that may hurt me, every day. It’s like choosing to love. I love love love to love. I must do it. And it is so rewarding on every level. Yes, I have had devastating heart break, days where I seriously wondered if I wanted to continue living, but honestly those were more related to living in a relationship that was killing me, giving up on the dream of what could have been, but wasn’t, than the reality of being single, which I quite enjoy. And even with the heart break, the devastation, the tsunamis of emotion which flatten every thing in range, I find that loving and being loved is so incredibly rewarding, that I never hold myself back from loving, or expressions of love. And My love is intense. Everything about me is, and I have just come to accept that. I can’t even begin to go into the number of lovers I have had who broke up with me because we had too many differences, and they couldn’t logic out how it would work in the long run, and my love, frankly, was too intense and scared them the fuck away. It takes work to have intense love, to open oneself up to those feelings, to really feel them, and experience them, and everything else that brings up. I’ll tell you what though, every one of those lovers still loves me, still dreams about me, and still wants me when they are drinking alone and find me filling their thoughts. The what if's, the could have beens. They think about me when they are masturbating, and when they are fucking that random girl they picked up at the bar. (Yeah, it really is lovely being so sensitive and being able to pick all this shit up. Fun, huh? No, not really.) It’s touching, and I will always have love for them, but part of me just wants to shake them and be like, what are you thinking?! Is it really so fucking scary bad that you have to run away, in lieu of looking in and doing the work? Yes. Apparently. And I am not necessarily any different. It’s just that I recognize that I am getting squirmy, and I look at it, and work through it. But intense is just what I do, and transmuting the darkness into light is one of my special skills. I had a very vulnerable discussion with my current lover the other night, and found myself actually trying to avoid the topic, even physically, needing to pee, needing water, etc, in an attempt to derail the conversation, which I had brought up! But I saw this, and so I took care of my physical needs, and I came back to the conversation, and proceeded to work through my shit. And then of course, had extremely lucid dreams of him holding me up for public scrutiny, naked, wet, vulnerable, for the rest of the night, and woke feeling exhausted. And you know what? It was totally worth it.
So, in the same vein of showing up, not playing small, and no longer trying to be invisible- I am adding being authentic and vulnerable, open, and honest about my life, my inner workings, and what makes me tick. Which, for a scorpio, is a pretty big deal. But I love you that much, and it's part of my work. So lets just fucking do it.