Tuesday, October 2, 2012

Filling up.

Sometimes it serves us to know our limits. I have a tendency to do so much, to give so much of myself away, not stopping to refill, refuel, or care for myself the way I need to, until something has to give. Three weeks ago I got sick, and am still carrying the vestiges of that illness. And still I pushed myself. On Saturday, in exhaustion and stress, I snapped at my mother. In front of her entire family. And again, yesterday evening. A clear indication that I need to step back, and change something. I have been stressing on the upcoming move, and not knowing yet where I am going.
  Yesterday I woke up with a lump in the left side of my neck, causing a radiating headache, and sciatic nerve pain in my right hip and leg. Still. I pushed myself. Unloading a one ton feed sack from the back of the truck with a bucket. Which, by the way, is an excellent core work out. I could feel my abs and arms burning as I did it. At nine o clock last night I ate my first real meal for the day. Because Hannah brought me food, otherwise it might not have happened.

This morning I can't move my neck. And the pain in my hip is making it hard to move. I dropped Marisol off for school in my pajamas, which today, are oversized Barney purple scrub pants, and a Lobo Rugby 2004 league champions shirt. Which brought me flash backs of my mom dropping us off for school in her pajamas, her hair all curly and going all directions, just as mine was this morning.

So this morning I do laundry. This afternoon I escape to my dad's house- my Sanctuary. The place where I am Seen. And Loved, with no Judgement. My Heart/Soul sister Giselle will work on my hurts, I will be fed, and nourished, and nurtured, and relaxed. The calming temple-like atmosphere, always full of beautiful music will feed my soul, and the hottub will iron out the aches. I will fill my baskets, and will be better for it.

As women, nurturers, we so often forget to take the time to nurture and care for ourselves. But if we don't then we start to come apart at the seems. It isn't possible to help others if we are running on empty, or worse, on a deficit. So I stop. I take time to fill up. To be loved. So I can continue on.

What are you doing to nurture yourself today?


  1. Ohhhhh, that tub. Glad to hear you're stopping to nurture. <3

  2. I am so happy for you that you have that sanctuary. I hope it heals you.
    My closet is my sanctuary, where I medicate, meditate and write. And now my upstairs bathroom where I ride my elliptical, sweat and tend my little window herb garden. I am learning who my friends are here, I have far less than I thought, but I am also learning to pull the important ones nearer and let them in a little better so that maybe I actually can be Seen. But still, I cry as I write this.
    Zach is at school again full time, plus working weekends. I see him when he sleeps. We're not going to make rent for the last 2 or 3 months of this year because his financial aid ended up being less than 1/2 of what it used to be. He's picking up extra shifts at work but another 8 hours wont fix the problem. I'd be flipping out more but I'm too busy stressing about my S.S. appeal and the impending psych evals coming from both sides, the recent death of a friend, drama with neighbors that shouldn't involve me and only serves as a reminder to keep the fuck to myself even more, two sick kids + my period in a week that was overwhelming to begin with, no help, no time for Roh's much needed Im-teething-sick-and-just-got-shots-yesterday nap, no time to work-out let alone shit, shower and shave without baby screaming at the door that I've abandoned him and no real food in the house until tomorrow afternoon. Yeah. I pretty much screamed all that at MY mom over the phone this morning. And I'd tell you the rest except Rohan is crying at my feet as I type this.
    Nourish myself? Be nourished by others? Yeah, maybe I'll wish for that on a star if I get a second to step outside by myself tonight...
    I love you, Nika. I sure hope your cup is being filled today. <3

  3. I just got to sit on my back porch and bawl for a whole 45 seconds before one of the boys came looking for me and I had to bury my face in my shirt to wipe away the snot before I jumped up and pasted on my toothiest Suzy-Fucking-Homemaker and yelled, "What's up buddy!? Want some toast?"
    I think it's time to dance it out. Matisyahu sounds good.

  4. yes honey. Dance it out. I love you.

  5. may your baskets be filled Nikka!