At Some point in my evolution, I outgrew my defenses, but my defenses are so built in by now, that I don't know how to shed them. I'm carrying around this defensive posture, and this chronic back pain, this emotional pain, vestiges from my past. I had a friend work on my back and neck last night, and he gently said, "you are holding on to a lot of stuff in your back, lady. Be careful, someone might be trying to help you." Which was followed by a conversation about my posture, shoulders rolled forward, head tucked, like I am expecting to get hit at any moment. He said chronic back and neck pain is almost always due to emotional trauma, holding on to stuff, which I knew already. And proceeded to point out that mine was expecting to get hit. Either by a person, or by the universe. And that the universe may not actually be wanting to keep hitting me. It is this same defense mechanism that keeps me from asking for help and support, even when I desperately need it. It is easier to do everything myself than to have expectations dashed, or be left in the cold when I most need to be brought into the warmth. And then my head exploded. And the tears came. Truth.
So I wonder, by continuing to hold and carry these outmoded defense mechanism, these expectations, am I actually carrying the cycle? Creating exactly what I don't want, subconsciously? A sort of self fulfilling prophecy. Is this why I have always sought out relationships that reinforce my fears, my beliefs of being unworthy? Relationships that are neglectful and stuff me back in my dark hole, and often, downright abusive? And how do I let this go? How do I release a defense mechanism, an emotional expectation that at many points in my life has served to protect me, but now is holding me back in my growth. I don't have the answers at this time, but I know that by naming that which is unnamed, by bringing these shadows from the darkness to the light, it helps to release their hold, and to transmute them.
So here it is. Dear Dominique, it is time to release the defense mechanisms that no longer serve you, the expectations of being hit by person or universal forces. You are safe. You will never be in that position again. And it is ok to let go and move on. It's time to step out of the darkness and into the light. I love you. The universe loves you. Everything is going to be ok.