Sunday, October 7, 2012

Stepping out of the shadows.

What happens when the pieces don't fit here any more. When your skin feels too tight, your whole body aches for something different, and Everything. Everything that was or has been feels all wrong, somehow. I am standing on the precipice, gale force winds at my back, looking at the rushing waterfall before me, knowing I have no choice but to leap, let the current take me where it will. My body screams at me daily that the life I've been leading simply will not do. I still have a body wracking cough. I'm physically and emotionally exhausted. I'm dropping weight that i cannot afford to lose, and losing my strength and energy with it. My back aches, pretty much everywhere it can. I have laser sharp pain shooting down both legs, sciatica. No problem, I've worked through that before. And then pain in my solar plexus and sides, making it extremely difficult to pick anything up. Whoa dude. Ok. I get it.
So I'm setting boundaries. Maybe for the first time in years, maybe ever. No. I'm sorry. I can't do that. I just plain hurt too much. And yet. I still feel guilty. Still feel a responsibility to do all the things. I suppose in this way, my body is smarter than I am. It's taken that option straight off the table.
This is not a post to complain. This is a post about what happens when superwoman discovers that being super wears you down. That burning the candle at both ends leaves you nothing but ash, in the end. An admission: I am strong, but not unbreakable. I cannot do everything myself, it turns out. And I'm done. I am so fragile right now I feel like I could shatter into a million pieces if you touched me too hard. And maybe that's what I'm doing. Shattering. So I can become something new. Forged by the fire of transformation, stepping out of the shadows, glowing with the inner light that is my true self. Cracking open to let the light in.
I want comfort. I want my life to be easy. I want stability, a clean house, a sanctuary, love, clean relationships, tribe, laughter, warmth, hot baths, delicious food, music, my animals, happiness, abundance, unbridled joy, passion. I want to travel more. I want to utilize my creativity, to write more, to paint, to design. I have to be done with the hard core manual labor, or I will destroy my precious body.
I have lived my whole life with the unspoken, yet ingrained belief that life had to be hard, making money had to be hard, relationships had to be hard, for me to be worthy. That somehow i don't Deserve Love. I don't Deserve wealth. I don't Deserve happiness or ease. It's my story. But it's also my mothers story, and that of generations past. I'm going to set that story down here now. Bring it out of the shadows and set it free. I have been punishing my self, my whole life for some transgression, committed in this life, in a past life, both? And I'm done now. I forgive myself. The universe forgives me. It's no longer serving me, and it's certainly not serving the universe. So this is where I step aside. I get out of my own way. I stop stumbling over the same outdated stories, my own, those of my ancestors, and those others carry about me.
I am worthy of the things I want-and so much more. And I'm going to have them. *impish grin, spreads arms wide open to recieve, and leaps off precipice. Splash*

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