Surrender.

Sometimes all I can do is surrender. Surrender to Flow. Surrender to what is Not Flow. And just Releasssssse. Re-remember how to breathe. In a new way.
Sometimes Surrender looks like Accepting that I am human and that ingrained Self Destructive habits take time to break. Vices. Maybe we all have them. Maybe it's my own Scorpionic tendencies... I love my goddamn vices.  But I don't love them enough to continue living a half life, to continue killing myself in a slow painful fashion.

Today that means being gentle with myself. Wrapping myself in extra love and compassion. Taking a bath. Eating instead. Sometimes it means I don't get caught up on things I had intended, but I catch up with friends I haven't heard from in a while. Sometimes it looks like holing up in my bed Listening to Donna De Lory, Surrender for hours. I wish I could link the song here, but it eluded me in my searches. But here. I obsessed so hard that I transcribed the lyrics, as best i could. Do yourself a favor, and if you haven't heard her, look her up. She is Soul Balm.

That's about where I'm at right now. I am breathing a bit more now. So that's awesome. I scared myself with this one. I haven't had an asthma attack/infection this debilitating in a long while. Many years. I had to make actual choices about the timeline of my goddamn mortality. And while I'm still feeling really fragile, apparently, I'm not ready to check out just yet, so there's that.
I am, however, getting out of my own way, so that I may Serve.


Surrender

I have no choice now but to just let go

Let it go me... now come to you.

You’ve been so patient with me all this time

You still loved me even when I couldn’t love you

All I want is to give this gift to you

The union of our Love

I surrender

Take my breath in your hands

Now it’s safe to come through

There’s only you

I give myself to you

I surrender

I want to give up all control to you

Feel my heart beating in the pulse of your great hands

The storm is over

Now I call your name

Like a flower rising up to meet the sun

To be where you are

All I want is to give this gift to you

The union of our Love

I surrender

Take my breath in your hands now its safe to come through 

There’s only you 

I give myself to you

I surrender

I was alone I was afraid

You wouldn’t love me

Here in my hiding place

My soul you discovered it

I want to give whatever it takes, whatever

To accept only your love

Only Your Love

Only your love

Your love is all I need 

All I want is to give this gift to you 

The union of our Love 

I surrender

Take my breath

In your hands

Every moment is made new

It’s all come true this dream I had of you

I surrender

And I give, And I give And I give And I give myself to you. Repeat times a million. With Angelic overtones: I Surrender.