Friday, August 2, 2013

Working with Shadow

There are times, when the work I am called to do is completely and totally unappealing. And to the outside world, my choices may look fucked up. One of the things I am learning to do, and this is one of the hardest, is let go of self imposed guilt, and to let go of the fear of judgement from others. The problem with all of that is that when one is working with shadows, and edge, that brings up a shit ton of fear and anger in other people, and usually, the person they turn on, is the very person who is *actually doing the fucking work*  Witch hunt, anyone? So my fears are very real. I have experienced this time and time again, through the eons, and in this life.

Last year I had to work with some really dark shit. I took on some heavy medicine as a sister keeper, for a sister, and it made me really sick. Like, shattered my labradorite, killed my female dog, multiple goat babies, and also killed my familiar sort of sick. Sometimes it takes a brick over the head, i guess. sometimes, when you are stuck up in it, its hard to visualize a clear way out. The reality was that the situation was killing my sister. Killing her. i was watching her die a little more each day, retreat a little farther. And i simply could not allow that to happen. I was also "the Crazy Whisperer" there, for every one involved, which was all of us, at one point or another. When I finally walked away from that situation I weighed 117. By that time I had retreated completely into the wild, and was feeding some of the shaggiest, wildest, most hungry ghosts I have ever had the pleasure of sharing space with. They protected me fiercely, and I clung to their ferocity, their never ending hunger, the unbearable loneliness of eons unseen, unfed, ignored. I felt the same. I hooted with the owls, and howled with the coyotes and foxes who came to visit me every night, at the edge of the meadow, tempting me to run away with them. I have known how it feels to be feral. And I love it. Although, next time, I am totally running away with whoever is doing the howling. 

I have exactly One Friend. Who understands fully what went down there, and why, and saw the full extent of the medicine I was dealing with. And for being Seen, in that way, by this woman, I am eternally grateful, for she was my lifeline. I have been reeling from the repercussions of dealing with this shadow stuff for almost a year now. And in my head, just now, I hear another medicine keeper sister's voice, warning me that we needed a medicine woman to live there with us. She couldn't have been more right. It's only been since the entry of my familiar Nimue that I have started to recalibrate return to any sense of wholeness. 

My understanding us that the sister i was keeping is free and happy now. She looks amazing, successful, loved, and i cannot even begin to express how happy that makes me. We will likely never be friends again in this lifetime, but i have faith that we will again, perhaps in another, because that's how this whole soulmate thing works. I've pretty well cut out of my life anyone with any ties to any one having to do with my life during that period of time. Triggers, partly. And avoiding further witch hunts, mainly. I am terrified of putting this out there, honestly, but the only way to heal shadow, and to release the power it has, is to bring it into the light. I know i did the right things. i know i was true to path, to my gifts, and was working with the right intentions. transmuting the darkness into light. and frankly, that's  all that matters. So here I am. Offering this story to the light, and releasing it for good. 


  1. I'm reading. I'm listening. I'm sending you love. Always.

  2. Thank you, I love you so damn much. Always.